Hateful Organs

It's been almost three years since my stomach troubles started. It seems insane at times it's been that long and I'm still trying to figure out how to keep my organs in check. Most days are good the past couple months; part of me hates to rock the boat and try to make it any better and then I hate that I am happy to settle for OK when it's possible I could feel normal for the first time in years. I suppose I now know just how bad it can get though, and while "normal" seems like the unattainable dream for me I still wish it were possible. I have however, accepted many things after three years. Most of which I think will be better in the long term for me; like I no longer miss coffee or soda. I still miss caffeine on those early mornings immediately following those late nights, but in general I don't even want anything with caffeine now. I am also now drinking these protein shakes with every meal, for two reasons. Firstly it ensures I get some protein with every meal in the event I can't eat food and secondly it helps fill me up so I eat smaller meals which keeps my organs happier. I still have my off days, but I find solace in the fact that they aren't frequent. The hardest part is knowing I cant' fix it; not really. There is no pill or magic cure all way to make it disappear forever. Even now as I write this I am nauseous...my stomach hurts...but I also know enough now to know it will get better as the day goes on. I am often telling myself "this too shall pass"...I have survived with this nonsense for going on three years now, I can get through one more day.

Levi

I have become a parent of sorts.

I adopted a dog, Levi. 

I always wanted a dog...a big dog even. 

So I adopted a big dog! A Flat-Coated Retriever mix; which I hadn't even heard of until I met him. He has a bit of a wavy coat, much like a Newfoundland does. Except whatever he is mixed with has given him beautifully mottled brown coloring on his legs; as well as some hidden little brown spots on his head. You have to look close for them, almost like Levi has secrets, you won't see them if you aren't paying attention to him. He is a bit scraggly, which is part of his charm that I love. He kind of looks like a friendlier version of Padfoot from Harry Potter...(which he was almost named after)...he is a true baby at heart. As I find is the case with most bigger dogs. 

Levi makes friends most anywhere he goes. He is a social butterfly, though I notice he prefers friends of the human variety. Those friends pet you, give you treats, let you sleep in their bed, take you for walks...did I mention pet you? That's the biggest draw in his book; if you have hands Levi is your biggest fan! He also loves children. There is an elementary school about a block from us and he will sit in the grass and watch the kids at recess; occasionally you will hear a whine from him since we can't actually play with them. I often wonder if he lived with kids before he found me. 

That's right, he found me. I may have adopted him but I went to Great Plains ASPCA with a totally different imagine in my head than Levi. I wanted a hound really, short coat and probably a little bigger overall. We looked at a couple possible buds, but nothing struck me quite like when I first saw Levi. (Who was named Jacob at that time) It wasn't just that I saw him and I knew though...it was the story of how he got there that hooked me. I might be the one person who would have loved him solely due to his circumstance. They informed me that Jacob and another dog he was living with, Isaac, had killed a bunch of chickens in Independence and couldn't live there anymore. That was his ticket to the shelter; but all I did was smile and laugh. It made me think of Merle, another chicken-killer, whom I love dearly. How could I not keep this dog now?!?.....It was fate. 

The Beast

I have no color and all colors, I am nowhere and everywhere. I am hidden and shadowy, elusive and haunting. I cause those unexplainable goosebumps, chills and worries you feel. I am dormant and active. I lurk in your home and in your mind. I will never leave, you cannot run or hide from me. I am the unknown. I strike unexpectedly and I settle in for days...weeks...months...and even when I leave you know I am not really gone. I will come back! I have many different forms and shapes - I am constantly changing, shifting. I am weak and strong, void of simple definition. I am seen and felt and understood differently by each being I encounter. I am The Beast.

I have tried to write about The Beast several times, but like it's shadowy existence explanation has always eluded me. Lately I haven't had to face The Beast head on; it remains dormant. Despite that fact it still lurks in the corners of my mind; it is inescapable. At times it steals sleep from me, like it is now, relishing my worry over when it will make it's next appearance. I draw and paint The Beast in order to expel it from myself, even if only briefly. No one sees work that is the result of The Beast; it is disposed of or hidden away. When The Beast is prominent and no longer hiding - it clouds my every thought, move, action and creation. It consumes me - even though I am not The Beast's true target. It is mine indirectly, affecting me while attacking another. I cannot spare it's true victim harm or pain. I am helpless against The Beast. When I move out or away, The Beast will not let me go. It will follow me and stay behind. And I will know that it is here for it is always here. Perhaps the mere fact that I know fighting it is pointless, perhaps that is what bothers me most about The Beast. It is my true greatest fear - for above all else, The Beast is unknown.

Ruined

In many ways, I feel like school is ruining me. It's a good kind of ruin I suppose which I'm sure is an oxymoron. I feel like everything I look at must be judged by my critical eye now. For instance, a high school friend started her own blog. As I read her first post I couldn't help but notice her busy, distracting color scheme. Also, it didn't help any that her grammar was atrocious. The fact that these have spell check must not have dawned on her yet..

Another example is any store I go into. I find myself looking at the floor to avoid having to see all the package designs. My mind is overstimulated by all the ugly right in your face. I can't go down the aisle that contains laundry/cleaning supplies. All those tide bottles with the swirl makes me disgusted. That swirl design should be swirling down the toilet. What is more painful is that I use tide. So I have no choice but to consistently subject myself to that evil swirl. Granted I could switch brands, but I need a "free of everything but the basic soap" and even then once I find a soap that doesn't make my clothes or skin itchy I stick to it. So the evil swirl prevails...

In the end, all the exposure to designs both good and bad will surely help me as a graphic designer. However, I still have those moments when gouging out my eyeballs seems easiest.. (just kidding)

Art Student?!

Being an art student entails far more effort than people understand. Most kids go off to college and write a million papers and cram for a bunch of written exams. I go to college and have to go out and draw for two hours straight or I have to make a CD case (that includes the front/back cover, inside booklet and CD label) and on top of that there are some written papers and research. Then forget some standard exam. I have a project due that we work on for three weeks straight, to the point where I don't want to look at or think about it but it's worth half or more of my grade so I have to stomach it. In addition to our projects, we sometimes also get to take a test full of artsy vocab words or a bunch of buildings and we have to find their perspective (that one was big fun..) Like most college kids, we also have to work in addition to school. That means for about 90% of my homework there isn't any possibility that I can cram in some study or homework time into a break or lull at work. I can sit at work during a downtime and think and stress about all the things I need to do for school; none of which can happen without a drafting table to draw building scales or a computer with CS4 design software on it. Exceptions of course are drawing thumbnails, those can always happen on a napkin during lunch at work. However, most of our brainstorming happens in class and even if we do have thumbnails due outside of class that's not always helpful. Sure I got my thumbnails done, but now I know what I am going to do for my project and I have to wait so many hours to start. This jacks with my creative process, although that could just be a personal opinion more than a problem every art student has. Not that I am trying to demean other areas of study that people go into. I'm just tired of the stereotype that because we are art students our life is all Bob Ross happy trees and such. Granted there are times in class when I spend more time on FB than InDesign, but it isn't for lack of work rather than a need to stop staring at the Applebee's menu redesign I'm working on right around lunchtime.

Multi-tasking chaos

I'm sitting here at my lap top with both Safari and Firefox open. A total of eleven tabs are up and running at the moment. Plus I'm slowly writing my paper for Print Production in word. I have iTunes open and Illustrator is open and on hold. Had to take a break from my artwork to blog about my current madness on one little screen. It begs the question, can this be considered productive multi-tasking at this point? I mean really, I am all for working on a paper and an art project with music going on and facebook up to cut the tidiness of homework. Then there's Google! I google everything, so there's almost always a tab open for that. Along with my gmail tab I keep open most of the time. Pandora of course, yes that is right I am listening to iTunes but I don't close my Pandora tab..just in case. This is the start of madness! The mere fact that I think it's good to separate my "important tabs" from my "temporary tabs" by utilizing two internet programs should tell me something. Alas, it all seems so normal to me now. I have been sucked in by my own over zealous need to multi-task. I don't confine this to my personal lap top either. When I am in Layout Design class, the first thing I do is open fb, gmail, Google and Pandora in Safari. Sometimes iTunes depending on the day comes up too. Then I make my way to InDesign to work on my project. I could be proactive and downsize..but due to my Libra traits I am horrible at decision making skills so that isn't going to happen! =)

Ribbons

Yesterday was World AIDS Day and I was late for class. Left my little red ribbon at home. Had to make one from a scrap of red fabric from the Interior Design department's stash. Gave it to a friend on my way out of the building that evening. Sharing my artsy red ribbon made me smile. Got home and remembered my red ribbon pin is on my winter coat. It was sixty degrees yesterday so no coat. Would have also made it hard to locate had I been looking for it in a drawer, not on a coat. This is so I will wear it all winter long. Should buy another to pin on my purse perhaps, have one with me always. One day isn't enough for the people I love.